If I were a skeleton

If I were a skeleton I could neither drink water nor juice because it would all spill and leave the whole house wet.

Apart from that, I would wake up happy and jump out of bed like a grasshopper each day.

I really think that it must be a lot of fun being only skull and bones.

For example: Imagine a bank being assaulted. The scary greasy bandits armed to the teeth, shouting:

- Come on! Where’s the money?

If I were a skeleton, I would walk into the bank and scream ‘boo!’

One simple ‘boo’ would be enough to scare these bandits to death, make them stumble and fall over and wet their pants in fear.

The manager and the customers of the bank would thank me and even give me a hug, maybe just a little one, but I am sure they would.

If I were only skull and bones, maybe you would see me turn into a great hero.

What’s more, a skeleton strolling along the street at daylight would certainly cause great confusion. People running around without orientation, sirens going off, people who never prayed before kneeling down to pray, the army beating a retreat, the whole crowd in despair, and me right in the middle, content, walking along the pavement, whistling a tune.

A TV reporter with a microphone could even interview me:

- Who are you?

And me:

- I’m a skeleton.

Reporter:

- Did you escape from a cemetery?

At this point, I would pretend to be hard of hearing:

- What is a mystery?

And the reporter, again, louder now:

- Did you escape from a cemetery?

- Who sent you where?

- Cemetery!

- Are you serious? Whom?

Here, the reporter would lose his patience:

- Are you deaf?

And me:

- Of course I am! Can’t you see that I don’t even have ears?

If I were a skeleton, maybe they would take me to a biology lesson at school. I already imagine myself standing there, with the professor trying to explain each of my bones, each tooth, saying that skeletons are a type of structure that supports our flesh, organs, nerves and muscles.

I’m imagining which questions the pupils might ask and which commentaries they might make:

- What was its name?

- Is it male or female?

- How old is it?

- Is it or was it?

- Skinny, isn’t it?

- Did that person know how to read or was it illiterate?

- And what about its family?

- Was it rich or poor?

- And what is the poor fellow laughing about?

And, more:

- Teacher, was it bald?

And me, standing there during all of this with my skull-face, not saying a single word so as not to frighten the students or give the teacher a heart attack.

One thing is certain. It must be great being a skeleton when carnival comes. You don’t even have to dress up! You can leave the house just like you are, join the crowd, dance and play around on the streets, shaking your bones. It may seem like a lie, but during carnival, when everything is turned upside down, people end up being more like themselves.

If I were a skeleton, during carnival I would walk around singing:

 

When I die I don’t want anybody to cry

I just want her to remember me[1]

 Everyone knows that the best friend of mankind is the dog.

However, what most people sadly don’t know and modern science still has not investigated is that the worst enemy of the skeleton also barks, bites, wiggles its tail, carries fleas and enjoys peeing at lampposts.

And if I were a skeleton and accidentally came across some mongrel on the street who would follow me and run away with one of my bones?

 


[1] Free translation of a verse from the famous samba ‘Fita Amarela’ by the Brazilian composer Noel Rosa.